dual personalities

Something all glorious and gracious

by chuckofish

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“…But it is a mild, mild wind, and a mild looking sky; and the air smells now, as if it blew from a far-away meadow; they have been making hay somewhere under the slopes of the Andes, Starbuck, and the mowers are sleeping among the new- mown hay. Sleeping? Aye, toil we how we may, we all sleep at last on the field. Sleep? Aye, and rust amid greenness; as last year’s scythes flung down, and left in the half-cut swaths – Starbuck!”

–Herman Melville, Moby-Dick, Chapter cxxxii – THE SYMPHONY

Just a reminder that the 200th anniversary of Herman Melville’s birthday is coming up on August 1, 2019, so it is time to read/re-read Moby-Dick!

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…God only has that right and privilege. Thinking is, or ought to be, a coolness and a calmness; and our poor hearts throb, and our poor brains beat too much for that. And yet, I’ve sometimes thought my brain was very calm – frozen calm, this old skull cracks so, like a glass in which the contents turned to ice, and shiver it. And still this hair is growing now; this moment growing, and heat must breed it; but no, it’s like that sort of common grass that will grow anywhere, between the earthy clefts of Greenland ice or in Vesuvius lava. How the wild winds blow it; they whip it about me as the torn shreds of split sails lash the tossed ship they cling to. A vile wind that has no doubt blown ere this through prison corridors and cells, and wards of hospitals, and ventilated them, and now comes blowing hither as innocent as fleeces. Out upon it! – it’s tainted. Were I the wind, I’d blow no more on such a wicked, miserable world. I’d crawl somewhere to a cave, and slink there. And yet, ’tis a noble and heroic thing, the wind! who ever conquered it? In every fight it has the last and bitterest blow. Run tilting at it, and you but run through it. Ha! a coward wind that strikes stark naked men, but will not stand to receive a single blow. Even Ahab is a braver thing – a nobler thing that that. Would now the wind but had a body; but all the things that most exasperate and outrage mortal man, all these things are bodiless, but only bodiless as objects, not as agents. There’s a most special, a most cunning, oh, a most malicious difference! And yet, I say again, and swear it now, that there’s something all glorious and gracious in the wind. These warm Trade Winds, at least, that in the clear heavens blow straight on, in strong and steadfast, vigorous mildness; and veer not from their mark, however the baser currents of the sea may turn and tack, and mightiest Mississippies of the land swift and swerve about, uncertain where to go at last. And by the eternal Poles! these same Trades that so directly blow my good ship on; these Trades, or something like them – something so unchangeable, and full as strong, blow my keeled soul along! To it! Aloft there! What d’ye see?”

–Chapter cxxxv – THE CHASE – THIRD DAY

“The wind blows where it wills, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know whence it comes or whither it goes; so it is with every one who is born of the Spirit.” (John 3:8)

(The artwork is by Rockwell Kent.)

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.”*

by chuckofish

Well, today is Siblings Day. Yes, that is a thing. Ever since 1997. “The holiday is intended to be a celebration of the relationship of brothers and sisters.”

Funnily enough, it is not easy to find pictures of my three siblings together.

Here we are circa 1967 when madras was all the rage…

sibs1967.jpeg…and here we are at sib #3’s graduation from Smith College in 1981. It must have been a late night…

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Well, okay, I’ll toast my wonderful sibs! That’s a no-brainer. But I don’t need a special day to do that, right? While I’m at it, I’ll throw these sibs in as well…

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And here’s to spring which has arrived in flyover country.

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Huzzah!

*Archbishop Desmond Tutu

“Order your soul. Reduce your wants.”*

by chuckofish

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Daughter #2 buzzed into town for her birthday on Friday and we did all the things, starting with margaritas followed by a Bob Dylan sing-a-long.

We exchanged small gifts…

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Daughter #1 with her dopplegänger…all she needs is little bangs!

…ate lunch out, sat on the patio and gabbed, drank Prosecco in the Florida room, barbecued, and celebrated her birthday with the wee babes…

IMG_0717.JPGIMG_0722.JPG…all the simple pleasures. Our one indulgence was getting mani-pedis. We deserved it after watching daughter #1 and the boy run in the Go! St. Louis half-marathon!

IMG_3747.JPGIMG_3750.JPGIMG_3743.JPGIMG_3755.JPGIMG_3761.JPGIMG_3771.JPGAccording to the Post Dispatch, marathon runners faced a hillier-than-expected course and warm temperatures. (Thousands participated, although you can’t really tell from my photos.)  Well, we were very proud of our participants. We went to Schneidhorst’s for a big breakfast afterwards, but the boy took a shower and went to work at his store!

I slept like a rock on Sunday night.

*Augustine of Hippo

Existential Saturday or “After awhile you could get used to anything”*

by chuckofish

It’s another dark, wet Saturday and my exciting weekend plans involve grading exams and puttering around the house. I might even finish Kristin Lavransdatter (it’s about time!). But today I feel fatigued in the James Jones sense:

“There is, in the Army, a little known but very important activity appropriately called Fatigue. Fatigue, in the Army, is the very necessary cleaning and repairing of the aftermath of living. Any man who has ever owned a gun has known Fatigue, when, after fifteen minutes in the woods and perhaps three shots at an elusive squirrel, he has gone home to spend three-quarters of an hour cleaning up his piece so that it will be ready next time he goes to the woods. Any woman who has ever cooked a luscious meal and ladled it out in plates upon the table has known Fatigue, when, after the glorious meal is eaten, she repairs to the kitchen to wash the congealed gravy from the plates and the slick grease from the cooking pots so they will be ready to be used this evening, dirtied, and so washed again. It is the knowledge of the unendingness and of the repetitious uselessness, the do it up so it can be done again, that makes Fatigue fatigue.”

Or maybe even a little like Camus’ Sisyphus: “Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him?” No kidding. Grading exams is the essence of existential absurdity and knowing that everyone else has to do comparable mind-numbing tasks does not make it easier. It makes me want to take a nap.

Eve has the right idea. Photo courtesy of TM.

Clearly, I need to remind myself that life is a struggle; we labor, usually without reward.

Eve as Tantalus courtesy of TM.

One must imagine Sisyphus happy, right?

*Albert Camus, The Stranger

“Yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness”*

by chuckofish

Another busy week (almost) in the books. Phew.

And I have exciting plans for the weekend! Today daughter #2 is flying home for a long weekend! Huzzah! We will celebrate her birthday and also cheer on daughter #1 and the boy as they race in the Go! St. Louis half-marathon on Sunday.

I will also note that daughter #1, who always takes a Xanax before getting on a plane, and had always sworn she would never ever fly on a small craft, flew in a little plane (sans Xanax) with her boss to a work event in Springfield the other day.

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Yay! She did it! (I guess this is jet-setting, mid-MO style.)

Knowledge is the encourager, knowledge that takes fear out of the heart, knowledge and use, which is knowledge in practice. They can conquer who believe they can. It is he who has done the deed once who does not shrink from attempting it again. It is the groom who knows the jumping horse well who can safely ride him.

–Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Courage”

But don’t forget the bottom line: “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13, for Pete’s sake)

Have a good weekend! And I couldn’t resist this…

What can happen to an Old-Fashioned?

Isaiah 41:10

Mutual incomprehension

by chuckofish

“You can know a thing to death and be for all purposes completely ignorant of it. A man can know his father, or his son, and there might still be nothing between them but loyalty and love and mutual incomprehension.”
― Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

Today is our father’s birthday. He would have been 97!

I have forgiven my father for a lot and forgotten even more.

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I am grateful to him for tying the knot with my mother and for going to work all those years and supporting us when he might have been doing something else. We were a boisterous trio of kids and we annoyed him frequently, if not endlessly. That’s the impression he gave anyway. I wish he could have enjoyed us more. I think all fathers should enjoy their children. They grow up pretty fast and move on and have children of their own.

Well, I know for a fact that the boy enjoys his children.

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May it always be so.

4 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord; 5 and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; 7 and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 And you shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

–Deuteronomy 6:4-9

(Pssst. A frontlet is a decorative band or ornament worn on the forehead.)

Quietness of heart

by chuckofish

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“Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and kneel to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble.”
― Andrew Murray

Sixty years of ministry in the Dutch Reformed Church of South Africa, more than 200 books and tracts on Christian spirituality and ministry, extensive social work, and the founding of educational institutions—all these were outward signs of the inward grace that Andrew Murray experienced by continually casting himself on Christ.

“May not a single moment of my life be spent outside the light, love, and joy of God’s presence,” was his prayer. “And not a moment without the entire surrender of myself as a vessel for him to fill full of his Spirit and his love.”

The woodblock print is by Frances Hammell Gearhart.

“You’re a very fine swan indeed! “*

by chuckofish

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“To be born in a duck’s nest in a farmyard is of no consequence to a bird if it is hatched from a swan’s egg. He now felt glad at having suffered sorrow and trouble, because it enabled him to enjoy so much better all the pleasure and happiness around him; for the great swans swam round the newcomer and stroked his neck with their beaks, as a welcome.”

–Hans Christian Andersen, “The Ugly Duckling” (1843)

Some say that Andersen considered this story to be autobiographical. As a child, he was mocked for his big nose and large feet, as well as for his beautiful singing voice and love of theater. There were also rumors that Hans Christian Andersen was the illegitimate son of King Christian VIII of Denmark! It is a story that many children can relate to on some level–at least those who feel excluded in some way from their peers.

Anyway, today is the birthday of Hans Christian Andersen (1805 – 1875), the great Danish writer, who is the author of many personal favorites. Our mother could not read through “The Little Match Girl” without weeping, which was quite disconcerting to me as a small child.

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I will toast him tonight and perhaps listen to Danny Kaye singing about the Ugly Duckling…

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Man oh man, the things people put on YouTube!

*Frank Loesser, “The Ugly Duckling”

“Run the straight race through God’s good grace”*

by chuckofish

It rained most of Saturday; our front yard is a pond again. But daughter #1 drove in to town on Saturday morning to go to an event that night, so we went out in the rain to a really good estate sale where we made out like bandits, limited only by the size of my car and our puritanical sense of restraint.

She got a really nice chair and a lamp and I got a mirror…

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and a vintage waste basket. It was one of those houses where an Episcopalian has lived for 50 years and it all looks and feels extremely familiar to me right down to the books and records, collections, art and furniture.

Daughter #1 went home to mid-MO on Sunday morning, having led her trivia team to victory (First Place!) at the Mercy Hospital NICU trivia night fundraiser, along with the boy and daughter #3 and some of their friends. I stayed home and watched Move Over, Darling (1963) with Doris Day, which went along nicely with my self-comforting plans.

The wee babes and their parents came over for Sunday night dinner. The OM tried out his new barbecue, which he had spent all weekend putting together.

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The burgers and hotdogs turned out nicely!

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And the Florida room is open for business!

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Another busy week commences and a new month! As usual, I’m taking it one day at a time.

*John Samuel Bewley Monsell (1811-1875)

Fight the good fight with all thy might!

Christ is thy strength, and Christ thy right;

Lay hold on life, and it shall be

Thy joy and crown eternally.

Run the straight race through God’s good grace,

Lift up thine eyes, and seek His face;

Life with its way before us lies,

Christ is the path, and Christ the prize.

Cast care aside, lean on thy Guide;

His boundless mercy will provide;

Trust, and thy trusting soul shall prove

Christ is its life, and Christ its love.

Faint not nor fear, His arms are near,

He changeth not, and thou art dear;

Only believe, and thou shalt see

That Christ is all in all to thee.

Seize the day — or NOT.

by chuckofish

It’s a dark, rainy morning — exactly what I’ve been waiting for. After the snowy silence of winter, the sound of rain brings real pleasure.  This is perfect writing weather, and that’s what I need to get doing. That looming deadline is inspiring all sorts of stress ailments and avoidance behavior, and I am getting nowhere fast. I kid you not, I have written and re-written the first paragraph of this paper for the last two weeks.

Having established that I am suffering from writer’s block, let’s move on to avoidance behavior, which, though it does little to alleviate stress, is much more fun. If I have any well-developed talent, it is an ability to convince myself that what I want to do needs to be done RIGHT NOW, and what I should be doing can wait. Here are my favorite ways to fool myself.

1. I do easy tasks that could wait (email, grade quizzes, type up notes…), but tell myself that it’s still work, so it counts.

2. I clean a room or do laundry. That counts, too, because of course we need to have clean houses and clothes to wear. Cooking also counts.

3. I do ‘research’ on the internet (e.g., genealogy or antique hunting), read, listen to music, or look at art — the search for inspiration takes time! Contemplating interesting paintings should help:

Painting by Philippe Charles Jacquet, found on Google Image.

4. I take a walk or do some Tai Chi. Here I am striking a pose on Dartmoor on a blustery day in 2018.

5. I attend a meeting, where I can daydream to my heart’s content. Obviously, meetings count as work, and if I do not pay attention, I do not get annoyed, so it’s a win-win situation.

Yet, as I diligently avoid working on some project, it is ticking along in the back of my brain. Sometimes in order to make progress on one thing, you have to do something else. At least that is what I tell myself.

Undoubtedly, Bill Watterson’s view is more accurate:

I’m experiencing a sense of déjà vu here, which probably means that I’ve posted about all this before. Oh, well, at least illustrations are new.

Time to get back to that introductory paragraph. Maybe today is the day I’ll be able to move to the next one.