dual personalities

A raid on the inarticulate

by chuckofish

DN here with a surprise guest post!

The semester is in full-swing in College Park, and my former dissertation director recently sent me the syllabus for her graduate course. I have started reading along with the class in private. Last week’s text was T. S. Eliot’s Four Quartets, which sharp-eyed readers of this blog will recognize as part of the mental furniture of both DPs—particularly The Dry Salvages (1941), of course, seeing as it begins along the Mississippi River, but also Burnt Norton (1936) and Little Gidding (1942).

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The church of St. John at Little Gidding

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Burnt Norton, a Gloucestershire country house ruined by fire

Each of these poems takes its title from a place in Eliot’s past. Sometimes the setting arises out of the poet’s own experience—the gardens around Burnt Norton are where Eliot and his first wife, Vivienne, strolled during their courtship—and sometimes the location is a wishful projection of an ancestral past—Little Gidding was an Anglican settlement from the early 17th century that, as an experiment in religious life autonomous from church hierarchy, Eliot presents as a possible spiritual beginning (slash false-start) for all of England. Each poem is a trek into history animated by a question about the link between personal memory and public meaning, between individual experience and collective significance.

                                     A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. So, while the light fails
On a winter’s afternoon, in a secluded chapel
History is now and England.  (Little Gidding, lines 233-237)

How can history inform the present? In 1940 and 1941, when Eliot composed most of the Quartets, the present felt particularly formless. What future could arise from such rubble?

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Eliot in 1956, standing before a textured glass partition in his Faber office

The general consensus is that Four Quartets tries to answer these questions via meditation. Knotting the reader into metaphysical quandaries, the poems arrive at enlightenment by challenging the very sense of its own sentences. This kind of poetry is hit-or-miss. It feels incredibly abstract until, after a few re-readings, parsing syntax again and again, some sort of sense emerges. But did this meaning come from the poem, or was it imposed by your own will to find meaning? In the face of the present’s formlessness, the poems make you self-aware of your own participation in supplying meaning. The Quartets’ abstraction fuels these sorts of questioning meditations, and they lead to idiosyncratic responses and interpretations for each reader.

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The church of St. Michael in East Coker, where Eliot’s ashes reside today

The one poem from the Quartets not yet mentioned on this blog, East Coker (1940), the second in the series, is my personal favorite. I find the poem’s articulations of personal bewilderment very moving. The way that it uses rhythm to shuttle the reader between confusion and understanding is masterful. Below, for example, Eliot examines the life he lived between WWI and WWII, and he finds it wanting. The poet was fighting a losing battle against language. Paradoxically, nearly every phrase is quotable.

So here I am, in the middle way, having had twenty years—
Twenty years largely wasted, the years of l’entre deux guerres
Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholly new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.

I love the extended metaphor of one’s relationship to language as a struggle to marshal a disorderly army. I love the tone of the disillusioned commander putting on a brave face. For Eliot, the village of East Coker, from which his ancestor departed England for America in the 17th century, was both a literal and figurative starting point in the fight against disorder. But neither Thomas Stearns nor Andrew Eliot knew the outcomes of their respective endeavors. They simply set off (into language, into the Atlantic) with the hope of finding something meaningful.

Reading East Coker is like that too. The poem places me “in the middle way” such that understanding seems suspended just beyond reach. All too appropriate, given that I am no longer a student but that I am also not not reading for a class that I will not be attending. Eliot would appreciate the uncertainty.

Trust thyself.

by chuckofish

Daughter #1 here. It’s my birthday today! I’m old. And I’m going to let someone else devote a blog post to me/my birthday.

This weekend, I drove up to Columbia to hit some estate sales–and I hit the jackpot. An old professor’s house where the books were 50¢ and plentiful. I had to restrain myself because, as it is, I have eight boxes of books and dvds that have no home. I still walked away with a stack.

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I figure, I need to get these before they all get rewritten.

I also got this Wedgewood Elizabeth II Coronation commemorative ashtray which I couldn’t resist because it just cracked me up. I just love that it’s an ashtray, so passé.

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After perusing my purchases on Sunday evening, with Hallmark Movies & Mysteries on in the background, I was inspired to read Emerson’s Self-Reliance. It’ll cure what ails ya.

“Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life’s cultivation; but of the adoptive talent of another you have only an extemporaneous half possession.”

“It is easy to live in the world after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

“The secret of fortune is joy in our hands.”

I could really just copy and paste the whole thing here. It was just what I needed for Sunday night. And for this birthday week when, as usual, I have no plans and, not only do I have a busy and stressful day at work, I’m sure they won’t remember it is my birthday. That’s okay–I’ve got plans for the weekend and I can make my own joy.

I do think focusing on joy in the small things is something we can all work on. Life is hard, but it’s a gift, and even though it might not always feel like it, we are extremely lucky to be where we are. And that’s where I am as I head into a new year!

The slow-drawn wagon

by chuckofish

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I had a very quiet weekend. In fact I never left my house! The wee babes came over on Sunday for dinner and shook things up for a wee bit, but they weren’t too…rowdy… IMG_1974.jpegIMG_1958.jpeg

They are always so good at entertaining themselves with the same old toys and books while the grownups talk.

Speaking of books, I read one I picked up on the giveaway table at work–This Dark Road to Mercy by Wiley Cash.

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It was pretty good, but I can’t say it lived up to the cover hype that it was a cross between Harper Lee and Elmore Leonard. There were two children in the book, but they weren’t exactly Jem and Scout, and, yes, it took place in the South. Comparisons are odious and sometimes downright embarrassing.

I also watched a couple of good movies–Rooster Cogburn (1975) with John Wayne and Katharine Hepburn…

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and Wagon Master (1950) directed by John Ford and starring Ben Johnson and Harry Carey, Jr.

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Rooster Cogburn is worth watching to see the two great stars (both 67 at the time) so obviously enjoying themselves. Clearly they liked each other and were having a fine time. Who cares if the plot is a bit shopworn? The scenery is beautiful and the music rousing.

Wagon Master, on the other hand, is a real masterpiece…and there is nary a star in sight. Ben Johnson and Harry Carey, Jr., usually supporting players, are called upon to carry the action, along with Ward Bond, and they do just fine. It is a beautiful movie filmed in black and white by Bert Glennon in Moab, Utah. The story, which follows a group of Mormon pioneers going West, is a solid one and, as usual in Ford movies, is populated with realistic characters.

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Yes, that’s Russell Simpson as a Mormon elder next to Jane Darwell.

So I recommend both movies.

Now it is back to a busy week at work. I am also looking for something to read!

The big doors of the country barn stand open and ready,
The dried grass of the harvest-time loads the slow-drawn wagon,
The clear light plays on the brown gray and green intertinged,
The armfuls are pack'd to the sagging mow.

I am there, I help, I came stretch'd atop of the load,
I felt its soft jolts, one leg reclined on the other,
I jump from the cross-beams and seize the clover and timothy,
And roll head over heels and tangle my hair full of wisps.

--Walt Whitman, Song of Myself, 9

A lovely weekend

by chuckofish

IMG_4883.JPGWe had a very perfect weekend: sleeping in, drinking iced coffee, reading outside, walking on the trail, shopping at the farmer’s market. The weather was ideal, and our apartment feels more and more like home, especially because I have finally been able to hang a few things on the walls.

It was marred only by a terrible book I managed to finish: Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. I grabbed it from the giveaway basket at my mom’s office this summer because I had read (and not hated) Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, a book which is now being made into a television series starring Reese Witherspoon and Kelly Washington. (Honestly, that might tell you enough — Ng writes that very specific genre of women’s-thriller-posing-as-literary-fiction that makes Reese Witherspoon see dollar signs.) I drafted a lengthy post detailing every reason why Everything I Never Told You is awful, but I decided against posting it. Who needs that kind of negativity on a Monday?

Instead, I’ll focus on cheerful bouquets and balcony snacks!

IMG_4884.JPGIMG_4885.JPGHere’s to a good week — and better luck with giveaway books!

Du calme, du calme (again)

by chuckofish

Well, I made it through the first week of classes and it all went well.  I had my first year students answer a couple of questions as a diagnostic exercise to tell me whether they can follow directions and write a coherent sentence. Anyway, I asked such gems as “what current issues do you feel passionately about?” and “what are your pet peeves?” The first question elicited predictable responses including the environment, immigration and gun violence (though responses to the last two fell on both sides — everyone loves the planet). Answers to the second question were much more entertaining. Pet peeves included:

  1.  Seeing someone eat string cheese the wrong way (biting rather than pealing)
  2.  Toilet paper installed the wrong way round (i.e., so it unrolls underhand instead of overhand)
  3.  Bad grammar, spelling and usage
  4.  When anyone scratches Styrofoam
  5.  People who chew with their mouths open or too loudly
  6.  People who walk slowly when it’s too crowded to pass them
  7.  When someone is rude, interrupts, or doesn’t pay attention
  8.  People who don’t use their turn signal when turning
  9.  Hypocrites
  10.  Incessant cell phone use

I was impressed and a little horrified that (with the exception of the string cheese, Styrofoam and toilet paper peeves) I agreed heartily with all of them. Clearly, I am an extremely peevish person!

To offset my peevishness I listened to a lot of calming music. Here are two of my favorites, one I’ve loved for a long time,

and one I just discovered (I like this version of the song — close your eyes and listen):

That’s about it for my week, other than a faculty potluck last night. The weather cooperated and it was pleasant but being the peevish sorts that we are, we left as soon as we could. We’re hosting coffee hour after church tomorrow, so I’ve got baking to do today. Otherwise, it’s just the usual class prep and puttering. Have a wonderful weekend and don’t fall prey to your pet peeves or set off anyone else’s!

A broken record

by chuckofish

I know I sound like a broken record, but it has been a hard week and I am glad it is Friday again!

If you are looking for something to celebrate this weekend, Sunday is the 53rd anniversary of the television debut of Star Trek in 1966. In “The Man Trap” episode, the crew visit an outpost to conduct medical exams on the residents, only to be attacked by a shapeshifting alien creature seeking to extract salt from their bodies.

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Well, I’m always ready to toast these guys.

“The Man Trap” placed first in its timeslot, with Nielsen ratings of 25.2 during the first half-hour; some 46.7 percent of all televisions in use at the time were tuned in to the episode. I was in the fifth grade and I remember watching with my older brother who was in the 10th grade. I’m sure we thought it was pretty hokey (because it was), but we kept tuning in, didn’t we?

Please note that there is a big celebration planned for Dolly Parton’s 50th Anniversary of being an Opry Member. There’s going to be a week-long celebration of Dolly’s “impact on music and the Opry,” all leading up to her 50th anniversary performance on the Opry stage on Saturday, October 12, 2019. Unfortunately, I will have to pass on this, but it sounds like a real good time to me!

I have been readings essays by E.B. White this week and he was a big one for noticing the little things…the changing of seasons and the goings on of the flora and fauna around him. It is a good reminder of the old lesson to pay attention. Summer is coming to an end here in flyover country, although the temperatures are still pretty balmy. It’s getting dark earlier, but still the cacophony of lawnmowers and weed-whackers fills the air on a constant basis. Whenever I lay my head down for one of my frequent naps, the sound of a lawnmower revving up is sure to follow. It never fails.

Have a good weekend! Celebrate something!

“Allow me to introduce myself, I’m another person in the room”

by chuckofish

I learn about a surprising amount of news (granted, celebrity news) from Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Instagram. Most recently, this was where I learned that Valerie Harper had died at 80 years old. It turns out that in SMG’s first role in a movie, she played Harper’s daughter. Who knew!

At any rate, the news made me think of Mary Tyler Moore’s death 2 and a half years ago, which, at the time, made me very sad. When she died, I re-watched a number of episodes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, one of a few shows that we, as a family, unanimously love. (Others include Buffy the Vampire Slayer, appropriately, and The Simpsons, and Designing Women, newly available on Hulu.)

Well, if you’re in a Rhoda mood, I gather that MeTV will be airing a marathon of “best-of” episodes, from The Mary Tyler Moore Show as well as Rhoda. If only I could figure out what MeTV is!!

“How could I have predicted that my whole lineup was going to get Preachers and Sneakered?”

by chuckofish

Daughter #1 here. My mom texted me Tuesday afternoon asking if I could cover for her dual personality today. I said I’d be happy to. Now, though, I’m struggling to come up with a cohesive topic. It’s hard on short notice!

I thought about how every time I read Women’s Health, it is just one alarming or really-duh-they-have-to-write this? tidbit after another. Eating grapes will kill you (this one I made up), losing weight will give you wrinkles (duh, you’re literally losing fat in your face), eating when you’re stressed will make you gain weight (not a joke, something they actually published).

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This is why I eat so many carbs, obviously. 

I also thought about writing about the Rick Trevino song I heard on the radio on my way back from the gym. Remember Rick Trevino? I did not know that he released the first country song that was also released in espanol. Go, Rick.

There is nothing about this that is not amazing. I don’t know what I like more–Rick snapping to the beat or when he mimes playing the fiddle. Also, the suggested videos that go along with “Bobbi Ann Mason” are some A+ time machine material.

Finally, I thought about the embarrassment I experienced by laughing at this video so much. I understood way too many of the jokes.

Happy Wednesday!

Par for the course

by chuckofish

As predicted, I had a very quiet long weekend. Daughter #1 got a lot done while she was here, but I spent the weekend reading and napping. No matter how much I nap, though, I never feel less fatigued. This is problematic and annoying, but par for the chemo course.

I re-read Rest and Be Thankful by Helen MacInnes, published in 1949, a novel which I found not to be dated, still relevant and very enjoyable. I started Wildfire at Midnight by Mary Stewart (1956). We watched Hatari (1962) on two nights so we could maintain our 8:30 bedtime.

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You gotta love those baby elephants!

On Sunday night the boy brought the wee laddie over for a Labor Day barbecue. (Little Lottie was under the weather and stayed home with her mother.)

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Best Book Ever

It is always fun/interesting to see one twin without the other. The wee laddie was well behaved and mellow, but we did have to have a lesson in not playing “catch” with the tator tots at the dinner table.

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Daughter #1 headed back to Mid-MO on Monday morning and I continued with my reading/napping routine.

Can’t quite believe it’s September. I have a very busy week at work–here’s hoping I can get through it without too much ado. How is your week shaping up?

Love: it’s what makes a Subaru

by chuckofish

Happy Labor Day — and long weekend!

After going to bed at roughly 9 p.m. on Friday, we spent Saturday driving to Binghamton, NY, for a pool party with DN’s college friends. But lo and behold, it is a fully different season New York state. One cannot sunbathe in overcast, 70-degree weather!

But we coped. Our friends have a sprawling old house, a perfectly amiable golden retriever, and a very sweet one-year-old baby. It’s quite a life, and we were happy to join it for roughly 20 hours, after which we drove all the way home! Luckily, 10 hours in the car in 2 days feels more manageable in our comfy Subaru. We paused a number of times to exclaim, “You know, I just really love this car.” We really love this car!

“Subie” earned more points when we stopped at an antique store in Baltimore to check out a Hitchcock dining room table I had spied online a number of weeks ago. After confirming that no one had purchased it, I got up the courage to ask for a lower price (!!!) and we took the plunge. The drop-leaf table and 4 chairs fit with no problem at all in the hatchback trunk.

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Moving boxes and road trip supplies had to make room for our score

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Easy peasy!

It feels like every weekend we have something new to haul up or downstairs in our building — but such is life in a new apartment. We set up the new table to our satisfaction:

IMG_4862-1.JPGIMG_4864-1.JPGFull-size will be great for entertaining (and there is even an additional leaf for extended space), but in the day-to-day, we’ll keep things more compact. What shall we hang on the bare walls?!

It feels very nice to have a place to eat (or type one’s blog post!) after years of using a multi-purpose coffee table. Things are getting a lot more sophisticated around here!