The citadel of the family*
by chuckofish
Mother’s Day approaches. This is a bittersweet holiday for me, since it has been 25 years since I had a mother with whom to celebrate.
But the blogosphere has been a-buzz with “What has your mother taught you?” posts, and I think it is still a valuable exercise to consider this question. And, of course, I do love lists. So here are some of the things that my mother taught me:
Keep it simple.
Holidays call for parties. Parties are always best when there are favors.
When you act like a lady, people treat you like a lady.
Going out for lunch is the best.
Going for a drive can help you take your mind off your problems.
Talk to children like adults.
Children like routine and boundaries, but try to be spontaneous once in awhile.
Furniture should not “match” and “suites” of furniture are indeed tacky. If you have antiques, they will not all be from the same period. It is okay to mix it up a little!
Hugging is good.
Children owe their parents nothing. They did not ask to be born. (She was the opposite of a Jewish mother.) Of course, this attitude makes you realize you owe your parents everything.
She was a bit of a snob, but she hated the expression “white trash”. No person is trash.
You never really know a person until you’ve walked around in their shoes for awhile.
Be Kind. Be kind. Be kind.
She must have been disappointed by my mean-girl persona at times, but I think she understood that it was a jungle at my private school. I remember once I complained about the girl who sat in the assigned desk in front of me (in first grade no less), who would turn around and put her “fat arm” on my desk. My mother said, “My heart bleeds for her.” I was surprised. There was no sympathy for me who had to put up with this unappealing girl. Of course, I immediately felt ashamed of my intolerance and I still cringe at the memory. I never liked that girl though.
My mother was not perfect and she taught me a few things which I had to un-learn over the years as well. But on the whole, she was a truly wonderful mother and I miss her every day.
What did you learn from your mother?
Here’s a lovely last-minute gift idea list from La Dolce Vita blog. Good ideas, but, no, I do not want to go see Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby with Leo.
Happy Mother’s Day and read this quote–It kind of says it all:
*”She seemed to know, to accept, to welcome her position, the citadel of the family, the strong place that could not be taken. And since old Tom and the children could not know hurt or fear unless she acknowledged hurt and fear, she had practiced denying them in herself. And since, when a joyful thing happened, they looked to see whether joy was on her, it was her habit to build up laughter out of inadequate materials. But better than joy was calm. Imperturbability could be depended upon. And from her great and humble position in the family she had taken dignity and a clean calm beauty. From her position as healer, her hands had grown sure and cool and quiet; from her position as arbiter she had become as remote and faultless in judgment as a goddess. She seemed to know that if she swayed the family shook, and if she ever really deeply wavered or despaired the family would fall, the family will to function would be gone.”
― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath
dual personalities 
I learned what to be strict about (things like spitting) and what to let go (things like breaking light fixtures). I also learned to love, really love, certain books and movies, and that sometimes one can have sympathy for an enemy — enemy though he be (i.e. Sher Khan). I also learned about fair play and that one should never crow about someone else’s defeat, loss, or death. I could go on and on. Lovely post and happy mother’s day to you!
I should add that I love the picture! Note especially the well placed bunnies and the cowboys (?) on the floor — and you in your characteristic pose, fingers together.
I do too! It is funny also because there is an identical one taken at the same time with father and it is just so different.
This is wonderful. And I’ll say that I think you have taught me/us all of the things on your list, as well!
I never got to really “know” Grandma Mary but thankfully I had a wonderful mother who tried to impart to us all the good things she learned from her. One important thing I learned from Mater (albeit years too late, to my deep regret) is simply to “be nice, smile, and say hello” because it can make someone’s entire day. We Compton children suffer from looking “severe” while walking, deep in thought, oblivious to our surroundings and often times people think we’re being rude and aloof. I try to be conscious of this every day. It’s a very simple, easy thing. Thanks, Mom. 🙂
I’d like to add that while “Talk to children like adults” is an absolute MUST for me, “pets” can be included as well. I cringe at baby talk, especially when it’s directed at a dog.
[…] Steinbeck’s description of Ma Joad from The Grapes of Wrath and I remembered that my DP had quoted it previously as another Mother’s Day approached. I think it’s worth including […]
[…] My local prairie library does carry two shelves of “General Fiction,” which feature a funny mix of contemporary “chick lit” and classic canonical works. Something compelled me to grab John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath (1939), and I found it surprisingly easy to read. It is one of those epic long novels that, because the chapters are so short, allows you to leisurely chug along with great and frequent reward. Steinbeck alternates between naturalist descriptions of the American landscape, mini treatises on the American economy, and what I found to be the gripping plot of the Joad family’s Dust Bowl journey from Oklahoma to California. I was very happy to read in context the passage quoted in one of my favorite blog posts. […]