dual personalities

The First Day of School

I

My child and I hold hands on the way to school,
And when I leave him at the first-grade door
He cries a little but is brave; he does
Let go. My selfish tears remind me how
I cried before that door a life ago.
I may have had a hard time letting go.

Each fall the children must endure together
What every child also endures alone:
Learning the alphabet, the integers,
Three dozen bits and pieces of a stuff
So arbitrary, so peremptory,
That worlds invisible and visible

Bow down before it, as in Joseph’s dream
The sheaves bowed down and then the stars bowed down
Before the dreaming of a little boy.
That dream got him such hatred of his brothers
As cost the greater part of life to mend,
And yet great kindness came of it in the end.

II

A school is where they grind the grain of thought,
And grind the children who must mind the thought.
It may be those two grindings are but one,
As from the alphabet come Shakespeare’s Plays,
As from the integers comes Euler’s Law,
As from the whole, inseperably, the lives,

The shrunken lives that have not been set free
By law or by poetic phantasy.
But may they be. My child has disappeared
Behind the schoolroom door. And should I live
To see his coming forth, a life away,
I know my hope, but do not know its form

Nor hope to know it. May the fathers he finds
Among his teachers have a care of him
More than his father could. How that will look
I do not know, I do not need to know.
Even our tears belong to ritual.
But may great kindness come of it in the end.

–Howard Nemerov

Boy, do I remember sending my children off to school back in the day.

You are so careful with your children and then one day you just say goodbye and they go off to school. You can’t protect them anymore, once they’re out of your house, not from mean kids and not from overzealous teachers with opinions. They are on their own.

When they were in elementary school, my kids walked to school and I would see them off at the back door with their backpacks and their lunches. Put on the full armour of God, I would pray.

…Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. (Ephesians 6: 14–18)

Sometimes I would say outloud, “Remember! You can go over the top for Jesus!”–which I had read was the last thing Tony Campolo’s mother would say to him as a child leaving the house on the way to school. We would chuckle about this, but I believed that sending them out on a positive note was important. And I never stopped praying for them.